Recently, Graham and I were attempting to get some jobs done around the house. The kids had helped all day, and evening was approaching. The sky was overcast, and it looked like more rain would soon be falling, so instead of sending them outside to play, we offered the kids a deal.
Since they had been helpful all day, we would allow them to watch a movie in “The Green Room”, which is so cleverly named because it is, in fact, a room painted green. The Green Room has a set of French doors, so it’s easy for us to close it off from the main living space.
The deal was this: the kids get settled in and watch a movie, while Graham and I get to finish the jobs on our list without interruption. That meant the doors to The Green Room were to stay closed while we finished up our to-do list, and no fights were to break out (if you know, you know). If the kids could not stick to those few simple rules, they would have to finish the night by helping with the rest of the chores. More than fair, we thought.
As soon as the stipulations were out of Graham’s mouth, the kids were asking things like, “But what if we come in and you don’t see us?” or “What if we go out of the room another way and do something else?” or "What if we sneak past you, grab a snack and sneak back in?"
Our kids love to play a little game that I loathe, called the What-If game, where they come up with every outlandish circumstance or scenario and ask me, “What-if”?
As this went on, and I sat there dumbstruck about why they were trying to figure out ways around watching a new movie and not appreciating the fact that they were excused from chores, I realized one major issue.
Sure, they weren’t being very appreciative, and sure, they were playing my least favorite game of all time, but the real issue was that their entire mission was to find a way around doing what we asked of them. Instead of being willing to obey, they devised every way they could to skirt the rules and get away with it.
I’m currently reading CounterCultural Parenting by Lee Nienhuis, so perhaps that is why I recognized this character issue on this particular day. In the book, Lee does an incredible job of explaining that when our kids' actions exhibit bad character (for example, disobeying to do what they want instead), we should point them to God’s character as our goal.
I often find myself disciplining my kids and focusing on what the consequence will be for their actions. And while actions do have consequences, and I want my kids to learn that, there is something I occasionally neglect to place proper focus on. The goal isn’t for them to learn to avoid consequences. The goal isn’t for them to please me all the time. The goal is for them to recognize that their character should be a reflection of God’s character.
If we want our kids to make good choices on their own eventually, it needs to go deeper than just avoiding trouble, and it certainly needs to go deeper than trying to please Graham and I. If we can teach them to see the value in following God and keeping His commands, then their character can really develop in a way that we pray to see.
It’s true for them, but it’s true for us as well. If our goal isn’t to reflect God’s character in our character, then we’re missing the mark. If we find ways to circumvent the rules when no one will notice, it’s a good idea to examine our hearts. If we want our kids to have integrity and good character, we need to take a good look at our own as well. And thankfully, God never leaves us or forsakes us. If we find that we have some work to do, he is faithful to guide us gently and patiently.
Philippians 1:5-6 says this: Because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
I sometimes wonder how I can tell my kids to have patience with each other when I find myself losing patience with them. It’s humbling to be a parent. Our shortcomings can often become so obvious. But God is continually doing a good work in those who love Him.
It can be easy for me to doubt my ability to raise my kids in Godly character when I know I have so many areas of my own life that need to be transformed. BUT, we have been given our children by God and He walks beside us as we raise them. We can be honest with our children when our shortcomings are showing. We can tell them that we, just like them, still need God to work on us and show us how to be more like Him. We can remind them that God promises to keep guiding those who follow Him.
Psalm 25:8-10 Good and upright is the Lord; therefore, he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
NOTE: If you’re looking for a book to read, I would highly recommend CounterCultural Parenting by Lee Nienhuis.