Freedom From A Pedestal

Photo by James Qualtrough 🇮🇲 on Unsplash

“You’re going to mess up sometimes. You’re going to make mistakes that feel really big. There is nothing “too big” or too “shocking”.

We have this conversation with our kids fairly often. I’ll be very honest, I don’t know if this will make any difference, but I want them to at least be aware that we don’t expect perfection.

Our oldest is turning 12 this year, and so we’re still in the fairly young years. But what I want them to know, whether they choose to tell us things or not, is that they can. I want them to know that even though we hope they do the right thing and make good choices, we are also fully aware that everyone, ourselves included, messes up.

The Bible is very clear that we are all sinners, and the Bible is also very clear on our need for forgiveness, not just once, but a continual need for forgiveness. Even though God wants us to do what is right, He has laid out a path for us to follow when we, as humans in a fallen world, inevitably fail.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:8-9)

Jesus, when teaching on how to pray, included our need to go before God and ask forgiveness. He was telling us, “You’re gonna need this part too.”

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. (Matthew 6:12)

There are many blessings that come from growing up in a Christian home. However, I think if we aren’t careful, the pressure on our children to be the “good kid” or the kid who “always does what’s right” can feed a very strong lie and create a lot of shame that Satan will gladly use against them.

It’s a complicated thing, because we want to raise children who know right from wrong. We want them to be respectful, teachable, and give their best.
These are all good things. But how do we keep these from becoming their identity?

Parents, teachers, coaches, club leaders, youth leaders, church leaders, family members, etc., can all identify these kids, and because they know their upbringing and background, they tend to rely on them to be leaders and good examples.

No one is intentionally creating this “good kid” identity for them, but the message comes from so many directions that it’s easy to see how that identity can form.

Photo by Courtney Cook on Unsplash

I love to compliment our kids, and I do think it’s beneficial to them. We all need encouragement. I want them to know we are proud of them and we see the work God is doing in their lives.
We see Paul do this when he is writing letters to the church.

For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how disciplined you are and how firm your faith in Christ is. (Colossians 2:5)

Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. (1Thessalonians 5:11)

So, yes. I want to encourage our children. I want to build them up in their love for the Lord.

What I hope to avoid, however, is putting them on this pedestal that falling from would feel like devastation. A pedestal they scramble to stay aboard, because that pedestal has become their identity to the people around them.

This is not something I necessarily know how to do.
It’s a balancing act I have never done before parenting.

As a teenager who grew up in a Christian home, I knew the right things to do, I knew the expectations people had (or that I assumed they had), and meeting those quickly became my identity.

An example to others around you. A mentor to younger girls. Join the worship team. Vow to sexual purity. Always give your best. Don’t follow the crowd, be different… etc.
All good things, but none of these were ever meant to define a person.

My identity, my idea of who people thought I was, was so wrapped up in this. And Satan had a field day with it. Hiding parts of my life became routine. No one could know. God would forgive me, but people would never see me the same. As much as I wanted to make changes, my fear of losing this curated person kept me from asking for help.

I have talked to others who grew up in Christian homes and felt the same need to stay on this “Good Christian Kid” pedestal. The thought of falling off begins to feel like a loss of the person you are, and perhaps that is the very thing that we have to help our kids understand.
Even when they are making all the right choices, that is not their worth. Even when teachers, coaches, friends, family, or leadership are proud of the good things they do, that is not their worth.

I know how to teach our kids their identity in Christ. The Bible is full of who we are in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17, Romans 6:6) and that nothing can separate us nor change the Father’s love for us (Romans 8:15-16, Romans 8:38-39). If our children know God, I feel confident they will be sure of God’s unwavering love for them, no matter what they do.
This is the most important.

But, how do I teach them right from wrong, encourage them when they are doing well, hold them to a standard of doing what is good, without saying, “This is who we expect you to be… not only that, but this is who you need to be.”

How do I counteract all the voices telling them, “You are a great kid, and that is where I see your value”?

How do we leave room for failure while hoping for the best?

This is the part that, as a parent, I’m still grappling with. The part I don’t know how to do, so I’m just praying for the Lord’s guidance.

I do keep coming back to this.
God desires our obedience, but he tells us we will need forgiveness, which means we will mess up sometimes. The pressure of perfection is gone.

And so maybe we work to do the same. “You’re going to mess up. Sometimes it will feel too big. Here’s the path for when that happens.”

Freedom from perfection allows the freedom to ask for help.